My doctor's a very strange man. I said to him, Doc, what's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?" He told me, "The taste."
My doctor told me he had good news and bad news. I said, "Doc, only tell me the good news." He said, All right, they're going to name a disease after you."
I mean, I'm not a kid anymore. I could go tomorrow. And I hope I go tomorrow. I haven't gone today, yet.
The last blind date I had, the girl was ugly. Only once in her life was she whistled at. It was right before the train hit her.
I finally figured out what my problem is. I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.
When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My old man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment.
The other night, a guy pulled a knife on me. I could see it wasn't a professional job. There was butter on it.
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.
All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way. I had it out.
With my wife I don't get any respect. I made a toast on her birthday to, "The best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me.
I asked my wife, "Last night, were you faking it?" She said, "No, I really was sleeping."
I went out with one girl. Man was she fat. I hit her with my car. She asked me, "Why didn't you go around me?" I told her, "I didn't have enough gas."
Al Linsky lived in Kew Gardens from 1938 to 1963 and attended P.S. 99 from 1944 to 1953. He is now retired, splitting his time between Brentwood, CA and Woodmere, NY. His avocation is as a broker of antique vehicles to the motion picture and television industry.